PB&J Fit For a King

This blog my have "cooking" in its title, but that's really a misnomer. "Cooking" is for people with families or slaves. For the rest of us, it's all about "food preparation"--this can range from cooking the Thanksgiving turkey to putting the bag of popcorn in the microwave. The goal of "food preparation" is to package the nutrients required for survival into the most tolerable form possible with the least amount of time or effort.

One of the staples of my 20-something, live-alone, not-entertaining-guests diet is the peanut butter and jelly sandwich. This simple treat has served me well from the first day of kindergarten to the first day of grad school, and beyond. But despite its simplistic nature, there's a lot that can still go wrong with the pb&j.

What you will need:

Peanut butter--Really any peanut butter will do, what's your favorite?. Crunchy? Smooth? There's no right answer. The perfect sandwich is more about the technique than the ingredients. I used "Adam's 100% Natural Creamy" peanut butter because chicks dig a guy who is pseudo-health-conscious.

2 slices of bread--again, pick your poison. I usually go with white bread, however for this sandwich, I used Franz's "Nine Grain Bread" because the number of grains in the bread is directly proportional to the size of a man's...

Jelly--I know I said it was about the technique and not the ingredients, but here it is absolutely imperative that you choose a jelly with no sugar added. I don't know if you've ever eaten fruit before, but that stuff's pretty sweet. Adding more sugar just makes things unpleasantly sweet, and dilutes the flavor.

Step 1: Place the two slices of bread side by side on a plate. I can't overemphasize how important this step is. Stack the slices on top of each other and you'll have a hard time spreading peanut butter on the bottom slice. Put the two slices too far apart and you'll be dripping jelly all over your kitchen as you walk back and forth. Side by side is where they belong.

Step 2: Spread the peanut butter on BOTH slices of bread. Jelly and bread are natural enemies. They should never touch. The peanut butter is the insulating sheath that keeps the two apart. It's also the paste that holds everything together. The goal is to create no opportunity for escape. Not one drop of jelly should reach your mouth without becoming peanut butter-fied first.

Next, scoop a mound of jelly onto the middle of one of the slices of bread. When I say a mound, I really mean a mound. Just like peanut butter is the paste that holds the sandwich together, jelly is the lubrication that makes it all go down smoothly. Skimp on the jelly and you could end up like this guy. Do you want that? Do you want to be starring in a shitty milk commercial? When he told his friends he was quitting his job as an architect to make it big in Hollywood, this wasn't what he had in mind.

Though the mound of jelly might look too big to fit inside a sandwich, gently massage it with a spoon or knife. It will settle into place. Jelly was never meant to be "spread"--it's not in its nature. Just help it relax, and it'll do the work.

Finally, place the jelly-free slice of bread on top of the pile and gently pinch along the edges. The two layers of peanut butter should ooze together as one, trapping the jelly inside. If you did it right, the mount of jelly should still be visible in the center of the sandwich.  That is the flavor yearning to be free, but it can't escape--at least not until you take a bite and liberate it in all of its fruity goodness.  Until then it is trapped in its peanut butter/bread prison.  Hoping that some day a brave prince will come along and have it for lunch.

Just a word of warning, this bad boy comes in at over 600 calories, so don't have a second one unless you really mean it.

Black Bean Quesadillas with Cream Cheese

I stole this simple recipe from my dad. Shortly after I moved out of the house my little sister decided to go vegetarian, and my parents half-assedly followed suit to avoid having to cook two dinners every night. It's not often that you'll see me forego meat in any recipe for any meal of the day, but these quesadillas are the perfect "it's Monday night and I think I ate a whole cow over the weekend" meal. Even better, it makes enough black bean mix that you'll get a few more meals out of it. You will need:

1 19oz Can of Black Beans

1 Dollop of Whipped Cream Cheese (Per Person)

1 Flour Tortilla (Per Person)

1 Medium Onion, Diced

2-3 Cloves of Garlic, Minced

1 Green or Red Pepper, Diced

A handful of Green Onions, Diced

Spices to taste (I like Cumin and Chili Powder)

Put some of your favourite cooking oil in a decent-sized pan (big enough to fit one of your tortillas) over medium heat. Once it's hot, add your onions. When they start to go a bit translucent (about two minutes) add your garlic. Let it cook for a few more minutes, just enough that things start to brown and your wife/roommate/girlfriend/dog/Japanese love pillow starts perking their nose up and wondering what smells so good.

Add the can of beans. My dad prefers to drain the liquid and replace it with something sweet like orange juice, but I don't usually have juice in the house so I don't drain the beans. It's not as healthy this way but I'm young and foolhardy. Add your spices and let the beans cook until the liquid has almost completely reduced, stirring every so often. This is a good time to dice up your peppers and green onions, and start prepping your tortilla for its new life as a quesadilla shell (instructions on that below).

Once the beans are hot and the liquid is mostly cooked off, pour the whole mixture into a tupperware container. Take a fork and mash up the beans some. You don't have to puree them, just give them a good mashing. Lower the heat on the pan and add a bit more oil or some butter if you like. Take your tortilla and spread cream cheese on one half of it, leaving a bit of margin around the edge. Spoon (or fork, if you don't like doing a lot of dishes) out a layer of the black bean mix on top of that, and sprinkle it with your peppers and green onions. Fold the other half of the tortilla over this half and gently push down so that it sticks and the filling has been pushed a bit closer to the edge. Throw it back on the pan for a couple of minutes, and then flip it and cook the other side. It should be nice and golden brown and it will look especially delicious if you cooked it in butter.

When it's done, take it off the pan, cut it with a sharp knife or a pizza cutter, and serve it with salsa and sour cream.